


Sometimes I Stare

by ExplodedPen



Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: Angst, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-12-10
Updated: 2003-12-10
Packaged: 2017-11-05 05:50:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/403114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ExplodedPen/pseuds/ExplodedPen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A crewmember contemplates their own false smile, their shield to hide behind. One swear word.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sometimes I Stare

Sometimes I stare.

Sometimes I find myself watching the others.

Sometimes the others talk to men and then I have to smile and talk back. Not a real smile. I plaster a false smile onto my face. It's force of habit now. I can't remember the last time I truly smiled. I've been hiding behind this smile for so long I don't even remember what I used to be like.

Someone once told me: 'If you look happy, you feel happy.'

I look happy, but I don't feel happy.

Sometimes I wonder if the others realise that my smile is fake or that on some nights I can just stare in my mirror and feel like breaking down because no one knows.

Apparently when you do a true smile you get crinkles in the corner of your eyes. I don't think that's right somehow, I've never really seen anybody who's smiling with crinkles in the corner of their eyes.

Everybody seems to enjoy a joke, have a laugh and just smile when they see someone they know. I do that, except my laughter sounds funny to my own ears and my smile is ready made, plastered to my face to give the illusion of happiness. No point burdening others with my problems.

Sometimes though, the dead of night, I long for someone to be there for me. My friends would probably support me at the drop of a hat if I ever needed it. But I lied to them. I lie everytime I smile, everytime I laugh and everytime I say "I'm fine".

Do you know the definition of fine? The Psychological definition anyway. Fine means: 'Fucked up and emotionally insecure.'

That's the gist of it anyway. I wonder if anyone else knows that?

Sometimes I stare and watch people laughing. All of a sudden I'm filled with envy.

Sometimes, on those moments I'm sat by myself in the mess hall, I see people talking and laughing. Sometimes they part ways and one is left on their own eating their food or drinking their coffee. That's when they think no one's looking and their expressions change into tired and worn ones, with all the troubles in the world.

When I saw that I started looking into others eyes when they laughed. Once I saw happiness in their eyes but mostly I saw worry and stress.

I wonder if they're like me, hiding behind false smiles. Laughing when they're in pain, saying they're fine when really they just need someone to tell them everything'll be alright.

Now I realise, everyone has false smiles, the last line of defence before they break down.

Sometimes I stare.

Sometimes I wish, dream and dare to hope,

That someone's staring at me too.

**Author's Note:**

> This was written waaaaay back when in 2003 and was one of my very early fics that actually felt like it 'worked'. I tried to keep it ambiguous so the reader could decide who was speaking for themselves.


End file.
